Withnail, the handover, the hangover and I

RICTUS? NEARLY KILLED US.

Dateline: Hong Kong, July 1st, 1997.
Scene: The Star Ferry, approximately 7am.
Cast: Three idiots headed from One Nation to Neptunes, and the mother of all mornings after.

Idiot 1: Mate, how was Seb Fontaine's set? Awesome or what?
Idiot 2: Haha ... your pupils are enormous. You look completely wrecked.
Idiot 3: Bar City. Wow. It's going to be the end of an era when they pull that place down.
Idiot 1: That place will still be going in another hundred years.
Idiot 2: It could survive a nuclear holocaust. Like a cockroach.
Idiot 3: I saw a rat in the bathroom there once. True story.
Idiot 1: I've still got half a pill.
Idiot 2: Neck it.
Idiot 3. A cheeky half. Or perhaps a presumptuous quarter?
Idiot 1: So can you see any tanks?
Idiot 2: No, but I think that's the Chinese flag flying on top of the Legco Building.
Idiot 3: And there goes the Britannia. Bye bye Charles. Tata Chris.

WHOSE IDEA WAS IT TO PUSH THE BOAT OUT?

Idiot 1: I feel ... unusual.
Idiot 2: Do you think Scary will be at Neptunes? I think I'm starting to come down.
Idiot 3: He's always there. Don't worry.
Idiot 1: Techno techno techno techno.
Idiot 2: Hummm. Amyl.
Idiot 3: People are looking at us funny.

Dateline: Hong Kong, July 1st, 1997
Scene: A very messy flat in Big Wave Bay, approximately midday
Cast: Three idiots, Withnail and I

I: Do you want a cup of tea Withnail?
Withnail: No.
I: 13 million Londoners have to wake up to this? The murder and all bran and rape?

IF I MEDICINE YOU, YOU'LL THINK A
BRAIN TUMOUR WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT

Idiot 1: We must be out of our minds. I must go home and discuss this at once.
Idiot 2: My thumbs have gone weird.
Idiot 3: Is there any gear left?

I: I'm in the middle of a bloody overdose. My heart's beating like a fucked clock. I feel dreadful. Really dreadful.
Withnail. So do I. So does everybody.

Idiot 1: Whose got that spliff.
Idiot 2: Yeah.
Idiot 3: I left it on the sink.

I: There are things growing in there. There's a tea bag growing. You haven't slept for days. You're in no state to tackle it. Wait for the morning, we'll go in together.
Withnail. This is the morning. Stand aside.

Idiot 1: I think I've got to get out of Hong Kong.
Idiot 2: Yeah. We should go over to Macau.
Idiot 3: Get out into the country. Rejuvenate.

YOU SHOULD NEVER MIX YOUR METAPHORS

I: Even a stopped clock gives the right time twice a day. And for once, I'm inclined to believe that Withnail is right. We are indeed drifting into the arena of the unwell, making an enemy of our own future.