Bamboozling sex life of kung fu pandas

A version of this appeared recently in the South China Morning Post. Respun and revved up for the bloggy-wog.

EATS, ROOTS, SHOOTS AND LEAVES

Hong Kong’s superstar pandas are randy. Ying Ying and Le Le have been seen batting big black goo-goo eyes at each other and generally getting jiggy in their Ocean Park love shack.

This is news because pandas are not nature’s porn stars. They are shy, coy and rarely mate in captivity, eschewing the libidinous lewdness of, say, bonobo chimps and humans. There is no Panda Craigslist, awash with importunate urgings and sad pleas of perversion. Pandas don’t whack off in their cages, hump the nearest object or toss scat at each other. They are gentle souls, the animal kingdom’s slackers and sofa surfers, laid back in every sense. The three-toed sloth, should he creep by, would raise a gnarled paw in slow-motion salute to a kindred spirit. For the panda, life doesn’t get any better than lolling about, munching bamboo shoots.

The fact that pandas exist, however, is evidence that from time to time they do answer nature’s call to mate. So the kind folks at Ocean Park recently closed the panda exhibit for three days after Ying Ying, the female, reached what zoo experts termed “the peak of her estrus’’. Alas, this was to be no Last Tango for Pandas. Le Le failed to deliver the yang for Ying Ying’s yin, even when she brought out the kinky stuff, including “increased water play’’ and “bleating’’.

DOES MY BUM LOOK BIG ON THIS?

“They responded well to each other and unclose (sic) interactions have been observed from the pair. Unfortunately no successful mating behaviours have been observed,’’ said a zoo panda handler.

As a married man, I know a thing or two about unsuccessful mating behaviours. Le Le has my sympathies. While Ying Ying was shaking her substantial money-maker and oozing estrus, Le Le was most likely fretting over the male panda’s famously small equipment, pondering his bad press and pining for springy length of bamboo.

News of the thwarted coupling prompted sad, knowing smiles in Thailand, where the Chiang Mai Zoo's most famous guests, Lin Hui and Chuang Chuang, became overnight soap opera stars following the launch of a 24-hour Panda Channel.

CUTENESS: IN THE EYE
OF THE BEHOLDER

Absenteeism soared and productivity plummeted as a nation was transfixed by each new plot twist. Chuang Chuang, the male, was pronounced 'too heavy' and put on a low carb diet. Zoo staff screened 'Panda porn’ clips of successful matings. But nothing worked ... and no wonder. They could have tossed him tabs of panda Viagra, lined his cage with satin sheets, bought him a studded collar and stuck a mirror on the ceiling: the poor fellow would still have been pinching his love handles and pouting.

Artificial insemination succeeded where nature failed. The birth of Linping in 2009 saw panda-monium, panda-mania and other bad panda puns reach a peak. If Linping’s birth almost ruined Thailand, the cub's early years sparked a spectacular revival. Zoo visits doubled, along with toy makers' profits. Panda fans queued in all weather and often for hours to get a glimpse of the famous family.


Should Le Le get lucky, Hong Kong might one day have its own bouncing panda cub. Enjoy the bonanza. Take the ride. But not too far: in Bangkok, hawkers recently began flogging ceramic pandas with Hitler moustaches in “Sig Heil’’ poses. The international opprobrium was instant, and a bearish backlash began.

Surely this faux paw will be a wake up call for Hong Kong’s panjandrums. Learn from Thailand's mistakes. Drop the pressure. Ditch the love shack. Don't rush down the slippery slope of 'panda porn' and cable channels. Do the right thing: it's black and white.