Saturday 12 November 2011

Mos Eisley Cantona




This piece records my frustrating and ultimately futile mission to get up close and personal with that great footballing enigma, Eric Cantona, when he journeyed to Thailand for a spot of beach football. It ran in the South African and Australian issues of Sports Illustrated, as well as in the South China Morning Post. 

http://www.scmp.com/portal/site/SCMP/menuitem.06f0b401397a029733492d9253a0a0a0?vgnextoid=337dacec75361110VgnVCM100000360a0a0aRCRD&s=Archive


SARDINE CANTONA
The trawler steamed through Thailand last week, but the seagulls went hungry. French football deity and Renaissance man Eric Cantona wasn't giving anything away. One of the many strings to his bow is that of philosopher. And arguably the most famous of his metaphysical utterances runs thus: 'When the seagulls follow the trawler, it is because they think the sardines will be thrown into the sea.' The great man is the trawler and journalists the squawking, insatiable gulls.


If there was any lingering uncertainty about his attitude to the media, he cleared it up when he told two French sports journalists earlier this year: 'I p*** on all of you.'


But 'Cantona in Pattaya!', as the Bangkok free-sheet shrieked, sounded too good to miss. Little did I realise it was to prove an ill-starred mission that would end in much gnashing of teeth, intemperate language, vein-popping frustration and heat exhaustion.


'Former Manchester United star Eric Cantona will lead the French beach soccer team against local football heroes in Asia's first Pro Beach Soccer event,' the free-sheet said. And suddenly Cantona's seaside aphorism seemed fresh and piquant. Images swam before my eyes of flabby white Germans in g-strings fighting over loungers, sun-bleached sand, unlimited alcohol, hooligans with rampant libidos and, in the middle of it all, gazing magisterially over the maelstrom from under that granite-hewed brow, pigeon chest puffed out - ooh, aah Cantona.


The first disappointment arrives after a couple of phone calls. Cantona is to visit Pattaya, but only fleetingly. His primary destination is Muang Thong Thani, a soulless cluster of low-rent condos on the edge of Bangkok's sprawl and home to the Impact Arena. It is here the inaugural Tipco Pro Beach Soccer match will unfold, despite its distance from any of Thailand's beaches.


I contact organiser Paul-Dominique Vachirasindhu, who has smouldering Eurasian looks, an expensive collection of suits and a shaky grasp of what journalists hoping to cover his event would consider pertinent.


'Allo? Yes, the match is on Saturday. Fax my office and they will put your name down.' With that, he hangs up. I try to call back, but get an answering service. Oh well, I think, Cantona mustn't be arriving for a day or two or he would have said something.


Later I turn on the evening news to see scenes of chaos at the airport as that familiar form towers over a red sea of screaming fans, each sporting enough pirated Manchester United clobber to give Sir Alex Ferguson apoplexy. I may be the only person in Bangkok who isn't at the airport.


My mood doesn't improve the next morning when I learn Vachirasindhu failed to apprise me of the previous day's press conference. Not that I appear to have missed too much. Cantona, it is reported, seems tired. 'I am living in sport. That is the most exciting thing,' he says, after repeating his explanation for quitting top-level football: 'I lost the passion.'


Asked whether he wants to succeed Sir Alex at Old Trafford, he knits his mono-brow gnomically for a moment then says: 'No. But maybe 'yes' tomorrow.' It's all downhill from there. Who else could take on Sir Alex's mantle? 'John Woo.' Which players should the club consider purchasing to bolster its ranks? 'John Woo.'


He does divulge, despite his obvious affection for Hong Kong action fare, that he's lost interest in acting following a string of minor roles because there's 'too much hanging around'. He still dabbles in painting and poetry, however.

JET SKIS GONE WILD?
I set off for Pattaya the next day, hoping Cantona will be more forthcoming once he's unwinding by the beach. Bangkok's lunch-hour traffic means I don't reach the resort until well after sundown. This means I've missed Cantona being handed the keys to the city. I've also missed him ploughing into a lissome Thai liaison officer with his jet ski. The mass circulation Thai Rath splashes the next morning with pictures of a bedraggled Cantona, 35, being helped to shore as the liaison officer is taken off to be treated for minor injuries. The jet ski operator is paid 4000 baht (HK$680) compensation. Another local paper has concocted a wild and implausible tale in which Cantona rams the woman's jet ski in a jealous rage because he's besotted with her and can't tolerate her flirting with other members of the French team.


My timing is impeccable. I finally track down the team and Cantona's in a world-class funk, refusing to say anything to the press and threatening to cancel the rest of his programme if the media prints another word about the accident. Organisers make clucking noises and smile sadly when I ask if there's any chance of an interview today.
Back to Bangkok.


I trek out to the stadium. It's mid-afternoon and there is no air-conditioning inside the arena. Conditions are somewhere between a sauna and a steam bath. and the Thai team is practising on the 'beach'. There's no sign of the French, who are still back at the Oriental hotel. A scan through the French team doesn't ring any bells, apart from Cantona's younger brother, Joel, who played for Marseilles. The Pro Beach Soccer Web site says the sport is 'fun, healthy and very, very spectacular', with a shot on goal every 30 seconds on average, a goal scored every 3.4 minutes, live music during the tournament, and regulated by FIFA rules of fair play.

             YOU MUST BE THE
KUNG FU KICK, GRASSHOPPER
The pitch measures 28 metres by 37 metres of soft sand. There are five players aside, including the goalkeeper. The game is divided into three periods of 12 minutes, with unlimited substitutions. Yellow cards mean a three-minute sit-out, free kicks are always direct and there are no draws. France are the current world number one team.


It's after 4pm when the French team arrives. Cantona leads them out in a white singlet, looking a tad over his fighting weight of 87kgs. Women with rakes scurry about the pitch, faced with the Sisyphean task of keeping the sand level. Cantona lazily swings his leg back and 'thump', a bright orange ball crashes over the crossbar and into the PA system.


With a chorus of Gallic grunts and shouts, they go through their paces. It's fast and furious, the balls zipping about like tracer rounds. They divide into two teams, blue singlets versus white, for a practice match. It is relentless, compelling, but far from elegant. When the ball hits the sand, it lands not with a bounce but a deadened splat.


Dribbling is an ankle-twisting ordeal, so volleys are the favoured method of attack. There are no boots or shin-pads, and the sickening crack of bone on bone accompanies most tackles. Former Thai national team striker and Bangkok celebrity Piyapon Piew-on is watching from the stands. He will captain the Thai team, who have only been practising for three weeks. He looks shell-shocked. 'Do you think we have a chance?' he asks, not really expecting an answer.


The teams are tied when the time is up. 'Golden goal,' yells Cantona. Just before the added minutes run out, the other team scores. His face darkens and he storms toward the sideline. This is my moment. There are no other journalists about. I've got the great man to myself. I step forward, tape recorder at the ready. 'Merde,' he snarls, kicking a plastic water bottle into the stands as he marches past and into the dressing room. I try to follow, but grim-faced security men with big sticks bar the way. 'Never mind,' consoles Vachir-asindhu. 'He'll definitely be talking to the press tomorrow.' When? 'The best time will be in the afternoon. You should get here around three or four.'


Match day dawns, hot and sticky. After lunch and I'm about to head out to the stadium but decide to call Vachirasindhu just to confirm the previous day's instructions. I've been pestering the man for days, but he's making noises like he has no idea who I am I jog his memory. 'Ah yes. You will be able to talk to him after the match, for sure. There will be a press conference,' he says and hangs up.


The match starts around 8pm, so I figure leaving around 6.30pm should get me there in plenty of time. I figure wrong. There may be clear afternoon skies over the middle of Bangkok, but above Muang Thong Thani, a fierce storm is dumping the heaviest rainfall of the year.


They've already kicked off by the time I get there. There's a crowd of about 3,000 - far fewer than expected, with many deterred by the storm. The game is being beamed live across Thailand and the local media are out in force, determined to give beach soccer, ahem, blanket coverage. The score is 2-2 at the start of the second phase and the Thais seem to be holding their own against the vastly more experienced French side.


Cantona is strutting around the midfield like a colossus, blue shirt emblazoned with his famed number seven. Something doesn't look right, then I realise it's his collar - he's got it folded in the normal manner rather than turned up. He hasn't scored but each time he touches the ball the crowd goes berserk. There's a furious beating of bongo drums and the stands bleed red.


Chants of 'Eric, Eric' vie with 'Ooh, aah, Eric Cantona' sung to the tune of the Village People's Go West. 'Me, I love to caress, stroke, tease and make love to the ball,' Cantona wrote in his autobiography. But this is ugly, more like rape; a grunting, grubby tumble in the dirt-brown sand. He's getting frustrated, as the tenacious Thais cling to his legs like limpets. It's not until the third, er, third that Cantona's array of flicks and trickery actually lands a ball in the back of the net. The roar is deafening.


               IT DID WONDERS FOR
MIKE TYSON'S CAREER TOO
The score is five apiece. A draw would be a major upset for the favoured French. But Cantona reverts to match-winning type after his slow start and heads in the deciding goal with 11 seconds left on the clock. Pandemonium ensues, naturally. A local television type named 'Green Bean' is dressed up, pantomime style, as Napoleon and his horse. He careens around like a dervish on his spindly legs until four French players crash-tackle him. That seems to be the sign for the pitch invasion. Cantona fumes and glowers when one upstart grabs a signed ball from his hands. The security staff seem hopelessly outnumbered and the crowd are baying for autographs. The guards form a human chain around Cantona, as posters and scarves and shirts and postcards and picture books and even bared chests and bellies are proffered.


The successful few who managed to snare his moniker look like they've just had multiple orgasms. The chaos is brought under control just long enough for Cantona and his team to watch a lip-synced number by local chanteuse Ya-Ya Ying. No sooner has she put her ya-yas away, however, and things are going seriously pear-shaped again. Cantona's shooting savage glances at his minders, as hundreds of wild-eyed fans press ever closer. A speech drones on and on, some doddering football luminary oblivious to the anarchy all around.


Suddenly Cantona's had enough. He grabs the trophy, holds it aloft and then, followed by his teammates and a phalanx of minders, sprints for the dressing rooms. A quick change and they file on to the bus, then go haring off into the Bangkok night. With them go all hopes of a quote. I'm despondently kicking sand about as a keen young thing from one of the Thai television stations bowls up, cameraman in tow. 'So, when's the press conference with Eric Cantona going to be?' she asks me brightly.


I point over to the shiny black knot of Hugo Boss and Armani, which unravels slightly to reveal Vachirasindhu and his cronies deep in mutual congratulations, and I mutter: 'Ask them.'

12 comments:

  1. Grateful on how DR James miraculously help me on my penis enlargement which i have suffered for so long and since then i have never witness any form of insult from my woman, before now she always says lot of bad words to me, that i am not a full man, but now she is after sex and it has gotten to a point when i am tired as we have sex from 12AM Till 5AM and still asked for more, but i am very happy that after i meant with DR James my life turned around, if you having issues of quick ejaculation, slow erection problem, and cumming on time. all you have to do is to contact DR James and have your issues resolved for ever and have a happy sex life, with your partner or spouse. because today i am a living testimony of DR James wonder cream action. waste no more time and write to him on his email: enlargementherbs@yahoo.com or his what app number:+2349055637784

    ReplyDelete
  2. Sometime it becomes very hard to find a well written and well established bog which give you correct and useful information. However, I found this blog and got some relevant information which are really helpful for me.
    adidas ace

    ReplyDelete
  3. At last my happiness and joy has been restored as my husband who left me for another girl has finally come back good and still lovely to me , i want to use this time to give thanks to Dr Blessing who has use his love spell and prayers to bring back my ex lover and also share little about my rough story between me and my husband and the other girls , i got married to the man i loved Sanchez June 23 2013 and we have been together ever since and we have leaved happily we both have a daughter , but this year 2017 when has traveled to new York on a business things changed even when he was away he never called to say hi to me and my daughter and this was unlikely of him because he loves our daughter to sky , so i began to suspect something wasn't right, but i waited for he to return to me in Canada so i know what the problems was, only for Sanchez to come back asking for divorce at first i thought he was joking , but with time i saw he was so serious on this , i tried to plead with he but nothing changed , i called my mom telling her about the situation and she said to pray about it , i was depressed and devastated on this issues and was praying and looking for help to stop the divorce and save my marriage, i seek help with many persons non could help , i continue with the search of help because i knew and have the feelings my man was not on his right senses because i know the man i married can never ask me for a divorce, so i kept on looking for solutions i spent almost all my savings seeking solution , until the Juliana a working told me about Dr blessing of blessingspiritualtemple@gmail.com, i never wanted to email him because many has taken money from me without giving any good result, but when he gave her words about Dr Blessing i decided to give it a trial , contacted him and told him about myself , he told me that he will have me to make my husband stop the divorce and reunite us again , that he gave me three days after which everything will be back to it normal place for good , i did some few things he said i should do as instructed , and let he do his work i was at work on the 15th of July about 10 AM when i received letter from my husband that my husband has cancelled the divorce case and same day at about 12 noon my husband wrote me a sweet text , and this was how me and my husband came back and today we are better as one family , so i want to use this means to tell to you all here contact Dr Blessing to for any kind of relationship or married problems and i let he solve it for you just as he has done for me , his contacts
    Email; blessingspiritualtemple@gmail.com
    blessingspiritualtemple@yahoo.com
    Whats,App. +1(951) 409 0694

    ReplyDelete
  4. I was diagnose with genital HERPES since 2012 they where all spreading all over my body even on my private part two i have be taking lot treatment and all i got is outbreak. in 2015 I gave up the treatment because I can't continues wasting time and money on treatment at the end it will not cure me. about 2 Months ago i did natural research online I had So many people talking good about natural remedy, after the research i was recommended to Dr Ekpiku, And I wrote to him through his email and told him my problem after some conversations with him he told me about his natural herbal treatment and he prepared me some herbs which i takes for some couples of days, and i take it as he says before i am to no i was perfectly cure of it and never experience it again. please friends if you have herpes virus and you really wants to get rid of it, please contact this great DR. Ekpiku for herbal treatment and you will get rid of it. EMAIL ekpikuspellhomeofgrace@gmail.com his whatsapp contact is +2348073673757 thanks and GOD bless you all.

    ReplyDelete
  5. GOOD DAY AND WELCOME TO STANDARD ONLINE FINANCE LTD
    Do you need 100% Finance? I can fix your financial needs with a lower back problem of 3% interest rate. Whatever your circumstances, self employed, retired, have a poor credit rating, we could help. flexible repayment, Contact us at: standardonlineinvestment@gmail.com

    Apply now for all types of loans and get money urgently!
    * The interest rate is 3%
    * Choose between 1 and 30 years of repayment.
    * Choose between monthly and annual repayment plan.
    * Terms and conditions of the flexibility of loans.

    Regards,
    Mr. Abdul Muqse

    ReplyDelete
  6. I want to share a testimony of how Dr.GODFATHER herbal mixture cream saves me from shame and disgrace, my penis was a big problem to me as the size was really so embarrassing,and i was also having weak erection problem. I can't make love to my wife and my penis was just too small a full grown man like me having 4 inches penis and to worsen it i don't last in sex i cant even last two minutes it was really a thing of shame to me. My wife was really tired of me because my sex life was very poor,she never enjoyed sex,i was always thinking and searching for solutions everywhere until saw a testimony of how Dr.GODFATHER herbal mixture cream have been helping people regarding their sex life, so i decided to give him a try and to my greatest surprise in less than one week of taking the herbs my penis grow to 8 inches i couldn't believe my eyes and as i speak now my penis is now 8 inches and i do not have week erection again. I can make love to my wife longer in bed. And my marriage is now stable,my wife now enjoy me very well in bed. can contact him drgodfathercure@gmail.com or call or what-apps him through +2347062606817. . .he also specialize on the following things

    BREAST ENLARGEMENT
    BREAST LIFT & REDUCTION
    PENILE/PENIS ENLARGEMENT
    GENERAL BODY SLIMMING
    HIPS & THIGH REDUCTION
    REGAIN VIRGINITY BACK
    Thanks for the Enlarging my penis sir, you indeed save my marriage...I am really grateful sir

    ReplyDelete
  7. HELLO EVERYONE.. FEW MUNINETS TO REDY THIS INFOR ON HERPES CURE 2018..
    2017 MY MOTHER WAS DIAGNOSED OF HERPES/ KNOWN AS GENITAL WARTS ,I SPENT A LOT OF MONEY ON HER MEDICATION TILL A POINT I EVEN LOST HOPE,BECAUSE MY MOTHER WAS GRADUALLY DYING AND LOST HER MEMORY TOO, I WAS SO DESPERATE TO GET MY MOTHER BACK TO NORMAL, ONE DAY MY UNCLE WHO LIVES IN LONDON UNITED KINGDOM TOLD ME ABOUT DR OLIHA ,WHO HELPED HIM GET RID OF HERPES /GENITAL WART WITH HERBAL MEDICINE AND HIS HERBAL SOAP ,I WAS SO SHOCKED WHEN HE TOLD ME ABOUT THIS ,ALTHOUGH I NEVER BELIEVE IN HERB BUT, I KEEP TO BELIEVE BECAUSE MY UNCLE CAN'T TELL ME LIES WHEN IT COMES TO HEALTH CONDITION I CONTACTED DR OLIHA VIA HIS EMAIL; OLIHA.MIRACLEMEDICINE@GMAIL.COM , YOU CAN TALK TO HIM VIA CALL OR WHATSAPP MESSENGER ON +2349038382931 , HE REPLIED AND ASK ME TO SEND MY HOME ADDRESS AND MY MOTHER'S DETAIL AND THEN I PURCHASED THE HERBAL MEDICINE,SENT ME THE HERBAL MEDICINE THROUGH COURIER SERVICE, WHEN I RECEIVED THIS HERBAL MEDICINE USED IT FOR 2 WEEKS, AND 4 DAYS OF USAGE THE WARTS FELL OFF, MY MOTHER I NOW TOTALLY CURED AND MY MOTHER IS LIVING FREE AND HAPPY AGAIN. YOU CAN TALK TO DR VIA HIS MOBILE NUMBER OR WHATS APP HIM ON +2349038382931.ALL THANKS TO DOCTOR DR OLIHA

    ReplyDelete
  8. Hello everyone, I was infected with the herpes virus and I got cured from the herpes virus few months ago after i contacted Dr Azuka. I saw a post on the internet after i have seek healing for several years from different doctors in California. I sent the Doctor a request for help, just a few email i followed his instruction and he sent me the medication. Now i am negative and i referred him to all my friend who had this same sickness and they have gotten their cure too. You can contact him via his email: Dr.azukasolutionhome@gmail.com or Phone call or what’s app: ‭+44 7520 636249‬. While i was on his medication i understood that he can also cure HERPES, HIV/AIDS, CANCER, Male/female menopause, Miscarriage, Menstruation problems, PREGNANCY PROBLEM, EPILEPSY, GONORRHEA, LASSA FEVER, OBESITY, KIDNEY FAILURE, HYPERTENSION, FIBROID TUMOR, BRAIN FOG, EPSTEIN-BARR VIRUS and many more.Contact him today and get your problem solved.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Are you looking for a loan to clear off your dept and start up your own Business? have you being going all over yet not able to get a legit loan Company that will loan you? Here is your final solution, We can give you any amount you need provided you are going to pay back within the period of time given without any problem. Apply now and contact us
    for more details
    abdullahibrahimlender@gmail.com
    whatspp Number +918929490461
    Mr Abdullah Ibrahim

    ReplyDelete
  10. I was diagnosed as HEPATITIS B carrier in 2013 with fibrosis of the
    liver already present. I started on antiviral medications which
    reduced the viral load initially. After a couple of years the virus
    became resistant. I started on HEPATITIS B Herbal treatment from
    ULTIMATE LIFE CLINIC (www.ultimatelifeclinic.com) in March, 2020. Their
    treatment totally reversed the virus. I did another blood test after
    the 6 months long treatment and tested negative to the virus. Amazing
    treatment! This treatment is a breakthrough for all HBV carriers.

    ReplyDelete
  11. my name is Bemjamin from UK (London) my wife has heard rumors about me and this issues made her filed for divorce and everything went up up and this case and the thought of losing my family now has kept my heart unhappy so i prayed for a solution and a way i can be able to bring back my wife and kids back and prove to her all these things she heard about me and the other lady working in my office are all lies because deep down in my heart i knew i never and will never cheat on my wife. to cut this whole story short my wife sister from the USA heard all the issues in ground and immediately asked me to contact DR LOJA she gave me his contacts details and i did as she said and DR LOJA told me everything will be fine in two days in two days my wife will come home for good again and this was exactly what happened and for this reason i say this man is real and can also help anyone with any of the below problems

    BRINGING BACK LOST LOVER.
    RESTORATION OF BROKEN MARRIAGES / RELATIONSHIPS.
    HEALING OF DISEASES.
    PRAYERS OVERCOME SPIRITUAL ATTACKS OR BAD DREAMS.
    CURE FOR HSV 1 AND HSV 2.
    TOTAL FOR INFECTION STD ETC.
    A WEEK TREATMENT AND CURE FOR HIV IS GAURANTEED.
    PRAYERS FOR LUCKY NUMBERS FOR LOTTERIES WINNING.
    ETC......................
    Visit his Facebook https://web.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100073444066419

    email;drlojasolutions@gmail.com

    call/ text/ whatsapp ; +2349159144552

    ReplyDelete
  12. Greetings to everyone reading this testimony,am here to
    testify of a great man who was able to cure me permanently from herpes
    Disease just with his herbal medicine,i have been herpes Positive for 5
    years before i came across Dr voodoo Email on the internet on how he has
    been using his herbal medicine to treat and cure patients from different
    virus, so i contacted him and i explain to him concerning my problem, i
    followed up with the instructions he gave me and he urge me to have faith
    in his words that he was going to restore my health back, after some couple
    of days Dr voodoo sent me some medicine which he gave me prescription on
    how to take for 2 weeks, to make the long story short, I have been
    confirmed Negative from my recent test in the hospital, just within 2 weeks
    Dr voodoo was able to make me healthy and see reasons to live again, though
    science says there is no cure, i believe God has sent this great man to
    save people, you can all contact him for his medicine, he has presently
    been treating diseases like,CANCER,BLOOD DISEASE,DIABETES,HIV,TYPHOID, and
    many others, you can contact this man on voodoospelltemple66@gmail.com.or
    add him on whatsApp +2348140120719, God Bless you sir!

    ReplyDelete